my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
