yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
