I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
