Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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