Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
