there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
being pregnant is like rehab
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
