there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
