I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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