I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
