Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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