we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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