Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize