She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
