Jerry, you need to find god
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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