Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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