YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
