yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
