I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
