im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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