It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
