Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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