do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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