Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
