I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
