So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
