He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
