Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
