the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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