She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
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