She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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