Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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