tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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