So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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