why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
