thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
