Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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