I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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