I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
