we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
