dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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