I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
