apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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