exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
