I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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