he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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