Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
