my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just gargled with NyQuil
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
