I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize