You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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