$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
