There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
