you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
sex in a hospital.. check
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
