Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
