I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
