...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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