I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
