I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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