Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
