i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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