i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
