I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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