There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
