Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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