i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
