Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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