When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
