I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
