She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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