in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
