In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
