woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
