I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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